


Just red

by Fanicor



Category: Black Widow (Comics), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers Family, Domestic Avengers, Fluff and Angst, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Past Child Abuse, Red Room (Marvel)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:55:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23257270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanicor/pseuds/Fanicor
Summary: When the mind said to stop, your body stops. Whether you like it or not.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	Just red

They say that we are what life makes us. No one ever was able to choose their parents, nor the place where they were born, not even their circumstances; we just limit ourselves to deal with it.   
All those things are what shape us slowly.   
Sometimes, what we live make us feel like strangers, start thinking different from the others, we create our own theories and beliefs, but most of the times they make us feel like monsters.  
And there she was Natasha Romanoff, or Natalia Alianova Romanova, who knows who she really was. If you ask anyone, they will say that her indifference and clam are the two virtues that the widow practices the best, even though she would laugh with her fellow avengers, or make a dad joke to Clint in the middle of a battlefield.  
But today was different.  
Well, different is a nice way to describe it.  
Who knows how many years ago, her home was burn to the beams, with her family, and her only chance to have a normal and happy childhood.  
She was an expert at hiding her emotions, calm her heartbeat , and make her voice sound perfectly relax, but when someone played with your head so much, implanting or taking memories (either truth or false) a day like this can be a trigger, making her subconscious mind scream for help and for someone to listen, desperately searching warmth. Anything that could help her found the calm in her inner storm.  
But Natasha never dealt well with emotions, and today wasn’t the exception.   
The morning was relatively peaceful, her religious black coffee next to the daily edition of the New York Times. Her body embraced by the clothes of other avengers; Clint’s boxers, Tony’s boots, Steve’s shirt, sometimes she even wear Thor’s cape. It was a good way to mark territory.  
But then again, those damn memories, appearing and disappearing. And from one second to another there is a hand coming out of a window, a shivering scream and everything went dark.  
When she regained consciousness, the first thing she saw was her empty cup lying on the floor, the dark brown liquid like a bloodstain, and her body kneeling in the place where she was standing a moment ago. Still a little stunned ask JARVIS to delate the recording and to send a dummy to clean the mess.

She decides, as the previous years, to stay in her safe place. Lock her room, and don’t get out until she has the complete control of her mind and body again. Nobody knows about this, not even Clint. She is vulnerable right now, and she is made of marble.

It was midday, and the team was gathered in the kitchen. It was like a tradition, everybody knows perfectly well that their lives are dangerous, one day they are there and one day they are gone. So they honor that eating all together like a dysfunctional ensemble family.

Tony was finishing the sauce, he added a pinch of salt, covered the pot, and turn to the table where all were having an argument about something he surely don’t care at all. 

There was something off though, he looked again and notice that the sit beside Clint was empty, Nat’s sit. That is an odd thing, even if she denies it, Natasha loves Tony food, because despite of being a genius billionaire former playboy and philanthropist, he was a hell of a chef, and she would not miss a lunch if she is in the tower, and she was. “Hey Clint” 

The archer poked his head from the table, clearly frustrated for the stupid argument they were having “what?”

“Where is Natasha?” asked the billionaire “tell her to bring her ass to lunch, I prepare the most beautiful pasta, almost as delicious as me”

“I don’t know, i think she is on those days” Clint said rolling his eyes

Steve who was now listening carefully both men decide to interrupt “Clint, you know Nat can’t get pregnant, don’t you?

“Yeah everybody knows that” said Barton as it was the most obvious thing

“Then you know she can get her period that is how female anatomy works, they sterilized her at the Red Room, in their graduation ceremony, Peggy once told me before I met Nat “explained the captain, as he was speaking to a little child

Clint face palm himself “I don’t… didn’t think… don’t make the connections”

Tony burst with laughter “Birdbrain I really thought you were smarter, thanks to prove me wrong”

“Shut up trash-man, if Tasha hear us speaking of her, she would, and I quote, pull out our balls and hang them on the Christmas tree”

The female spy, who was heading to the kitchen, stopped abruptly when she heard someone saying her name.

“Okay okay “said Tony trying to reincorporate “First of all, how old are you? Seven? That is by far the worst insult I have ever received. Second, leaving apart your incapacity of female understanding, I think that that organization did something good, I’m not saying the methods are the best, but come on, she is fearless”

What the fuck was he talking about, has Stark gone mad. How did he dare to say that that damn cursed place had something good? It was pure evil, nourished by little girls fear and freedom, tears, hunger and death. She felt her heart shrink at the thought, and the air start to escape from her lungs. She laid her body to the wall, she just has to breathe.

“Stark you really should to stop”

“No but hear me Rogers. She is hot, lets everybody agree on that, she is wise, no matter what she knows exactly what to do, and despite all she have a special sense of humor, a very black one if I may add, but she can smile”

That was it, the words that pushed her to hell. Her body overwhelm of painful memories , it felt like daggers from head to toes, and the heat burning her organs, the flashbacks, her throat clenching, her chest squeezing the life out of her lungs, and the air that refuse to enter her mouth and nose, as if someone else has stolen it all. She collapsed, making a loud sound in the hallway.

In the kitchen everybody immediately took defensive positions, they run to the sound source. They were so astonished they froze.   
The infamous Black Widow was lying in the floor, pass out.

Tony was the first to talk “is that Na…” 

“-Tasha, yes genius she is, hey…” he put two fingers under her chin, a pulse “she is breathing”

“Hurry Clint, lets take her to de lab” Bruce was a fast thinker, he had contemplate the coffee scene this morning, and looking at Natasha all sweaty and clenching his throat, he has an idea of what was happening, because, just like her, he was a master at hiding emotions, but sometimes they took over and that is overwhelming painful.

Once there he run all the test, scanning every part and nerve in her body “hey guys, I have the diagnose” 

They all look at each other to finally lay their eyes on the Doc 

“She suffered a panic attack, caused by her PTSD, but it was like multiplying it by 1000” 

And again there was silence. 

Nobody knows anything about her, not deeply. When SHIELD releases all the files, there were a few addresses, limited information, some fake IDs, and well done jobs, but before that there was nothing but rumors.

“Thanks Bruce for the attention, but I’m okay, show is over” the red hair got up in front of her four team mates 

“Weren’t you unconscious?”

“Close your mouth Tony, flies will enter and may stole your last functional brain cell”

“O NO” Steve was mad “YOU ARE GOING TO TALK TO US” Steve was very mad. Natasha looked at him. Okay maybe he was mad, but want to continue living, so no more shouting “please Nat, we hate to see you like this, you know you can trust us”

“YOU BITCH TOLD ME YOU WERE IN YOUR DAYS and YOU CAN’T HAVE DAYS”

And she can’t take it anymore, the shouts, the small space, all these people taking care of her. Her subconscious take control, and now it’s a one way road, she is not conscious of the words her mouth was spilling. 

“You want to know all the fucking truth; I’m going to tell you. Today I don’t know how many years ago, because guess what? I don’t know how old I am, only that in that moment I was 5, my house was burned in Russia.   
I jumped from the second floor and land barefoot in the snow, my mom was shouting at the top of her lungs, and my father screaming and crying.   
The man that started the fire made me walk 3 kilometers without shoes, and when I finally arrive I had the soles of my feet burn thanks to the snow, the chilling scream of my mother and the begs of my father rumbling on my ears, playing on repeat over and over again.   
They put me in a room and injected me a serum, it was so strong that blood run out my eyes, so thick I was able to see how it run through my veins, and so painful I pass out the third time, but there were seven left, and they can only put it on you while you are conscious.  
Since that day I don’t spill a single tear.  
I was with 28 girls beside me, I am the only survivor. My first murder was when I was 8, blonde pigtails, blue eyes, she didn’t know how to get loose from my attack, so she was useless.  
Yeah I’m fearless because I’ve been afraid, and in a scale so high and so painful, that I think I can’t feel it anymore.”

A death silence consume de lab once again, and a maniac laugh burst from the girl

“What? Now you don’t believe that that organization made something good? I lost my virginity when I was 12, they sent me to low grade missions, for training, steal something, implant bombs, things like that.   
But they knew it.  
It was one way or another, just a matter of time.  
They sent me to an abandon warehouse, two men held me, and another one done it. Then they took turns. I screamed like hell but it was pointless.  
When I returned I thought they were going to kill me, but they told me the mission was complete”  
Steve stood up, anger taking control of his body, hitting a chair near him making it explode against the wall   
“Don’t worry Cap, those men no longer exist. From that moment I learned to use my body as a weapon, to achieve everything I want. I’m what most men consider beautiful because I know my flaws, and I had to buried them to take advantage of my body

Bruce leave the room, his anger were reaching high levels, and didn’t want to Hulk out

“Tasha you don’t have to continue…”

“You are so men to talk and speculate, but not to know the truth? Everybody is like that, they fear the ugly truth, I’ve learn that to. What a curious thing trust is, don’t you think?.  
When I turned sixteen, I had been already in more beds than years, and even more killings, my methods of torture were more effective that all of us together. They promised me that eventually everything was going to be better, that I just had to get used to it, and then they made me kill them.  
Every  
single   
one   
of the girls   
that survived till then.   
After I finished that task, they took me to the OR, because that way everything was going to be easier, no risk, no distractions. I’m wise because I’ve been foolish, I’ve trusted, and I don’t make a mistake twice. 

Pause, breathings in and out, Natasha’s eyes lose on some point of the wall, she was losing herself, all her walls crumbling like the chair Steve threw minutes ago, 

“Clint you moron, you know I can’t have a period” Barton notice that she was long gone, her knuckles were white for the tension of her holding to the edge of the bed, she just wasn’t there “yes, I smile because I’ve known sadness, the hell itself would cry. I’ve killed men, women, and children, mutilate and torture them.  
I can’t give birth I only give death.  
And that is something I can’t change, but I smile because I have a choice now” she stood up and walked loosely to the elevator, numb in her body. Before going to her room, she stopped at a bar-floor, took 2 bottles of her favorite vodka and then continues her path.

Clint found her curl up under the sheets; he took the empty bottle out of her hand and hug her until she felt asleep

The next morning was strange, she woke up in her best friend arms, but still the strangest thing is that she had sleep. Her JARVIS tablet lightening on and off, signifying a message, a Tony’s one.

Hey Red, it wasn’t my intention to bother you (this time),   
You know I speak without thinking most of the time, anyway   
I know you hate cliché but, I just want you to know that I’m sorry, and that you can   
Count on us for everything.  
Tony, Steve, Bruce and Thor.

**Author's Note:**

> heyy guys, I just want to apologise for any mistake, english is not my first language, and i dont have friends :( . if any of you want to beta me this i would appreciate it a lot. thanks for reading XOXO


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